Why positive affirmations don’t work – do this instead

The topic of positive affirmations has come up a lot lately in my conversations with clients, colleagues, and even friends.

Many people talk about how powerful affirmations are, and how they help you create the life you want.

But most of my clients admit that they tried using positive affirmations to boost their confidence and their self-worth, but it didn’t work. And they feel worse after trying affirmations for so long because they feel like a failure – that this powerful tool that’s supposed to be so perfect for everybody didn’t work for them.

“What’s wrong with me?” they ask.

This is what I tell them: It’s not you. It’s not your fault. It’s the affirmations – how you’re using them, and how you’ve been taught to think about them.

Canadian researchers found that affirmations simply don’t work for most people. They only work for people who already have high self-esteem, and then only to a limited degree. But for people with lower self esteem, positive affirmations actually make them feel worse.

It seems backwards. And unfair. After all, you’re supposed to use affirmations to boost your self esteem – to make you believe in yourself and to convince you that you can do anything. If you already had great self esteem, you wouldn’t need to use positive affirmations!

But that’s simply not the case.

And if they only work for people who already have high self esteem, what about the majority of people who need a serious confidence boost? The sad truth is that, for most people, positive affirmations backfire and make them feel worse.

And, honestly, I find this is true for MOST people, not just people with really low self-esteem. For most of us. And it’s because the way people use them is wrong.

Why positive affirmations backfire

The reason positive affirmations fail most of the time is that they seem like lies. You haven’t done the background work, the inner work, to believe them. So when you say them to yourself, they feel like you’re lying to yourself.

And sometimes, the affirmations themselves are outright lies.

The way I first learned to use affirmations is the way most people are taught: Say them in the present tense. State what you want as if it’s already happening, as if it is already true and present in your life. Feel the emotions you’ll feel when the statements are a reality.

It sounds like good advice, right? How could anything go wrong?

But here’s how that plays out. Take, for example, an affirmation I tried for a while: “I am happily and joyfully receiving $20,000 a month from my business!” Except that I wasn’t. Not even close.

And so, every single time I said that affirmation, it felt like a lie. My subconscious brain knew that I was lying because I wasn’t even close to making that kind of money. So instead of boosting my confidence and assuring me that I had the ability to earn twenty grand a month, what did my subconscious brain say? “Oh, no you’re not! You’re a liar. You’re a fraud.”

How’s that for a confidence killer?

You’re a liar. You’re a fraud.

NOT words that boost your confidence.

My subconscious mind called B.S. on the affirmation. Because it had no basis in reality; there was no truth behind it at all.

Lying erodes your personal character – whether you lie to yourself or someone else. And because character is one of the 3 Pillars of Self Worth, lying to yourself in any form – including through the misuse of affirmations – erodes your confidence.

This misuse of affirmations is widespread.

Here’s another example. I bought some affirmation cards a few years ago. They’re pretty and fun. I thought I might get some new ideas for things to say.

Here’s what one of them says: “I’m beautiful, and everyone loves me.”

No, they don’t! Not everyone loves me. Nor should they! And I don’t want everyone to love me because that means I’m not being myself. I’m not being authentic.  I’m being a people pleaser.

I don’t want everyone to love me, and they shouldn’t. So saying an affirmation like that is a lie. Plain and simple.

No wonder they don’t work for most people!

How to make affirmations to work for you:

1) You have to do the inner work to heal, to set a foundation so you believe the affirmations.

There was a long time in my life where I’d look at an affirmation like “I am beautiful” and never believe an ounce of it. Because I thought so little of myself. People could tell me I was beautiful till they were blue in the face, but I wouldn’t believe it. The affirmation itself wasn’t a lie, but it still felt like one. I had to do the inner work to love and accept myself so that believing I was beautiful was even in the realm of possibility.

This is what I help my clients do – to do the inner work. To learn how to love yourself and accept yourself, to be confident and to be yourself. We work through the experiences that have taught you it’s not okay to be yourself. Then we lay that solid foundation of self worth so you can radiate confidence and achieve more success and – most importantly – more fulfillment.

Then the affirmations become the boost that you need. They’re not supposed to be the end-all and be-all of your self esteem. They can’t create it. They’re not that powerful.

2) For affirmations to work, they must be rooted in the truth.

There’s no truth behind “everybody loves me.” There was no truth behind “I’m happily receiving $20,000 a month for my work.”

For an affirmation to work, for you to not feel like a fraud and a liar, there has to be truth behind it.

So for instance, “I make healthy food choices.” Notice that I didn’t say, “every single time I put something in my mouth.” That would be a lie.

I love ice cream. I love cheesecake and brownies. In fact, I like a lot of things that aren’t “healthy food choices.” And I eat them because I want to enjoy life.

But I do make healthy food choices. Sometimes. I want to make them more often. And the right affirmation can help me do that.

The key is to find the truth behind the affirmation – the evidence that backs it up. Did you eat an apple today? Did you eat some carrots last week?

It doesn’t have to be all the time and it doesn’t have to be recent (though the more recent, the better). There just has to be a nugget of truth.

Then, attach that affirmation to the truth. “Yes! I do make healthy food choices. And here’s the proof: I ate an apple yesterday!” Then use that evidence of the affirmation to create more nuggets of truth.

Then the affirmation becomes a reminder until the truths become habitual.

That’s how affirmations will work for you – to build your confidence and your self-worth and not sabotage you or backfire.

You have to do the inner work to set the foundation so you believe them, and they must be rooted in the truth.

Leave me a comment and let me know how you’ve used affirmations, or what questions you have about them.