Survivors of trauma understand that the actual traumatic event, no matter how long it lasts, is really just the beginning. When Bre Lasley of FightLikeGirls.org fought her attacker for 6 minutes in her basement, she thought the ordeal ended when a police officer shot and killed the man. But, she soon realized, that was just the beginning. She fought feelings of depression, fear, and feelings of low self-esteem long after the physical fight ended. And religious stigmas easily deepen the wounds, making trauma recovery that much more difficult.

After being held in captivity for nine months when she was 14 years old, where she faced frequent starvation, death threats, and daily rape, Elizabeth Smart knows first-hand the crushing guilt that comes when religious teaching clashes with the realities of trauma. In her interview with Molly Oswaks, she confided that, “I was kidnapped and I was raped, and one of the first thoughts I had was, No one is ever going to want to marry me now: I’m worthless, I’m filthy, I’m dirty. I think every rape survivor feels those same feelings, but having that with the pressure of faith compounded on top—it was almost crippling.”

Elizabeth refers to the so-called Purity culture that holds a woman’s purity as a supreme virtue above any other quality. Many of my clients list purity as just one of many religious overtones that complicate their trauma recovery.

Too often, we bandy around terms like Submission, Purity and Forgiveness like they’re kindergarten concepts, without fully understanding what they mean or the consequences of applying them in the wrong context.

“Anything for the sake of peace.” That’s how members of my church justified and enabled five years of verbal and emotional abuse by my ex-husband. A client who was molested by a clergy member was “reassured” (by the man who molested her) that they “could do anything they wanted, as long as they prayed for forgiveness.” Holy tamole! Talk about making her out to be the one doing something wrong!

So what can you do when religious stigma makes trauma recovery even more difficult than it already is?

First of all, don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Elizabeth Smart talks openlyl about how, despite the extra guilt of no longer living up to her religious standard of purity, her faith played a decisive role in getting her through her ordeal.

Second of all, choose not to be traumatized twice. Separate the super-imposed guilt from the actual trauma. Guilt and shame already accompany traumatic experiences in spades; there’s no need to add to it. Nothing justifies another person treating you horribly or making you suffer. There’s a big difference between choosing to act a certain way, and having something forced on you against your will, especially when survival is at stake. No one can rightly judge when they haven’t walked in your shoes.

Third, forgive yourself. My clients often tell me that they wish they’d done something differently: called for help, fought harder, said “No” the first time, stayed home, told someone sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20, as they say, but when you’re experiencing trauma, you often see as if you’re looking through a paper towel tube.

You definitely don’t see the whole big picture when you’re in the thick of things. “How could I be so stupid!” is a common false guilt among survivors of trauma. But you did the best you could, and what you thought you had to, in the situation.

Elizabeth Smart put it succinctly when she said, “Nobody should ever question why you didn’t do something.… They have no idea what they would have done, and they certainly have no right to judge you. Everything I did I did to survive. And I did. Maybe there were times that, had I done more, I would have been rescued. But maybe I wouldn’t have. So do I regret anything I did? No.”

So forgive yourself for things you did. And for things you didn’t do.

Finally, remember that nothing can diminish your worth. Nothing you did. Nothing anyone said or did to you. You are Worthy By Design, and NOTHING can change that!

Have you had religious guilt or stigmas make your trauma recovery more difficult? Leave me a comment below, and let’s chat.