Every once in a while, we experience moments which stop us in our tracks. And the pressure of trying to manage grief during holidays can produce many such moments.
Seeing the Christmas stocking that your child will not open.
Finding the perfect gift for a loved one who is no longer here to receive it
Baking your mom’s signature dish for dinner
Remembering how you rolled out cookie dough with your dad – just so, to get “the most cookies per square inch.” (Was that just me? 🙂 )
Losing a cherished loved one is devastating. And the holidays have a way of magnifying grief.
Maybe it’s the pressure to have the perfect Hallmark holiday. Maybe it’s idyllic Christmas songs about family being together. Or maybe it’s because times of celebration make the loved one’s absence that much more obvious.
I experienced one of those moments this week. During the sound check before church service, we sang one of my favorite songs, “There’s a Stirring.” I’ve sung it many times in church. I sing it in my car, in my house, in the shower
For some reason, it hit me really hard this Sunday. I teared up, and couldn’t sing. All I could do was feel the pain and wait for the song to end.
I chalked it up to the pressures of handling grief during holidays. Knowing my dad won’t be with us when we open our presents. Not knowing what gift to buy my mom now that he’s gone. Knowing that it’s now up to me to teach my kids the art and science of maximizing the placement of cookie cutters to get the most sugar cookies out of the first (and most tender) rolling.
Grief changes us.
Grief redefines you in so many ways. Aside from the obvious loss, your roles change forever. You are no longer a wife, a mother, or a daughter. You lose a part of your identity, as well as a loved one.
It’s OK to acknowledge that fact.
It’s healthy.
If you’ve lost someone close to you, you’ve likely struggled with the question, “Who am I now?”
That’s perfectly normal. Even though you may feel guilty for feeling it. “I should focus on my loved one, not myself.”
But you are here. And you matter, too.
Grief and loss are major Spiritual Identity Thieves.
In addition to figuring out who you are now, and where you go from here, you also face pressure and expectations from friends who did not experience your loss. They mean well. But they don’t know what you’re going through. They can’t.
But those pressures and expectations can take a toll on your self-esteem and confidence, especially during the
“Am I being selfish?”
“Shouldn’t I just push through?”
“They need me, too, right?”
You need a lot of strength to stand up for what you need – in a loving way. You may not even know what you need. And that’s OK, too.
Tips for Coping with
Grief During Holidays
A few days ago, I found this article – Grief and holidays: What the Bereaved Need from Friends and Family. Her words are beautiful. Heartbreaking. And so helpful.
She describes what grieving people need as they face grief during holidays. I’ll outline them here. But you should read her article for the full details. A summary just doesn’t do it justice.
- Acknowledge my loss.
- Be flexible.
- Give me space.
- Give me time.
- Grant mercy.
- Extend grace.
What we need from ourselves
The author aims her suggestions at her friends. But they’re a powerful reminder of what we need to give ourselves, too, as we face grief during holidays.
I would also add a few things to this list:
- Practice extra self-care.
- Set healthy boundaries.
- Meet your needs without feeling guilty.
To all my friends who face reminders of their loss this holiday season, I love you. I feel for you. And I wish I could take away the pain.
But in some ways, the pain is an ongoing honor to those we’ve lost. An acknowledgment of how much they mean to us. A testament that time cannot erase them.
I pray that you find grace and compassion in the coming weeks. From others. And, most especially, from yourself.
What do you most need as you face grief during holidays? Are your needs different from other parts of the year? Leave a comment below.
