Do you hate conflict? Most of us do. Especially when someone questions your motives, your sincerity, or your stance. Self-doubt creeps in. It’s easy to get defensive. It’s easy to shy away, to hide, and say, “Never mind, I’m sorry.” But when you have the right tools and the right perspective, conflict can actually BUILD your confidence rather than tear it down.
I hate conflict. Always have. Ever since I was six years old, when I got a knife pressed into my stomach for flinching against my abuser’s explorations, I’ve really, really hated conflict. As in, tried most of my life to avoid it at all costs. (The cost was my entire Self, but that’s a topic for another blog post.)
But ever since healing those wounded parts of me, I’ve been able to handle conflict a lot better. I still hate it. It still raises my blood pressure and sets my heart aflutter in an “I’m about to be eaten by a bear” kind of way. But I’ve learned to stand up for myself when necessary, and I’ll respectfully go toe-to-toe with someone if I have to.
Conflict Will Happen
Like this week. You see, my last blog post was about why affirmations don’t work to build your confidence, and what to do instead.
Apparently, it ruffled some feathers. (Ironically, in one part of the post I said, “Not everyone loves me, nor should they.” Case in point.)
In general, I got really good feedback. People thanked me for explaining a problem that they couldn’t quite put their finger on. And they thanked me for giving them a solution.
But it clearly triggered one reader, who argued quite vehemently that I needed to change the name of the article from “WHY Affirmations Don’t Work,” to “WHEN Affirmations Don’t Work.” Her reasoning was that affirmations clearly DO work – she sees it all the time – and my title was incongruent and misleading. “I shouldn’t have to read an article to understand the title,” she argued.
I’ll be honest: At first, I felt myself getting defensive. “She’s criticizing my article! She’s criticizing me!” Then I calmed down my drama-momma self and stopped taking it personally. (Thankfully, I did that before I interacted with her.)
Your Confidence Affects Your Ability to Handle Conflict
When you’re faced with a conflict like this – when someone gives you feedback or constructive criticism – you have four choices: avoid the conflict by ignoring the person; react defensively; give in without a fight; or take their suggestion under advisement, analyze it, and make a decision.
When your confidence is low, it’s easy to ignore the problem or react defensively. You might even give in without a fight. Any of these responses can leave you feeling worse about yourself. They will tank your confidence.
But when you are confident from the inside out – when your confidence isn’t tied to your success, or to other people’s approval – it’s easier to handle conflict with grace. It doesn’t become a personal threat.
But regardless of how confident you are, conflict can build your confidence. It all depends on how you approach it.
Sober Judgment
If you’ve been in my space for a while, you’ll know that I talk a lot about having sober judgment.
Sober judgment is the ability to accept your strengths AND your weaknesses, without beating yourself up. It’s acknowledging that you are flawed and beautiful. Not perfect, but ENOUGH. Worthy By Design.
When it comes to conflict, sober judgment is the ability to accept criticism without dismissing it outright or taking it personally. Analyze it for truth and release the rest.
Conflict Can Build Your Confidence When You Use Sober Judgment
Confident people have sober judgment. But even if you’re filled with self-doubt, approaching conflict with sober judgment will make you more confident.
When you approach conflict with sober judgment, you will either learn something and grow, or you will become more secure in your stance – and clarify why you believe what you do. Either way, you’ll be more confident because of the conflict.
So that’s what I did. I listened to what this woman said. I asked myself, “Where is the truth in her criticism? What can I learn from her suggestions, and what can I release?”
I had no skin in the game regarding whether this woman agreed with me or not. I didn’t have to defend myself. But I was willing to learn.
The Resolution
Ultimately, I kept the title. And here’s why:
- A title (in its limited character count) is meant to create enough interest to get a potential reader to stop scrolling and say, “Wait – what?” There isn’t enough space to explain everything. My title raised curiosity without being spammy or click-baity.
- The title accurately reflects what most of my clients experience. They don’t wonder when affirmations don’t work for them. They wonder why they aren’t working. The title speaks directly to one of their pain points, and the article accurately explains both the problem and the solution.
- Research backs up my title, as I explain in the article.
But here’s the thing. When I wrote the title, I didn’t analyze all of this so clearly. I knew that the “Why” was true and important. But I didn’t take the time to figure out why the “Why” was important.
By considering her suggestion, I had two potential outcomes: realize she was correct, learn something and grow; or become more clear and certain about my point of view. Either way, the conflict would build my confidence.
So I thanked the woman for weighing in, and politely explained that I would not change the title, and why.
In the end, we agreed to disagree. And that’s OK. I don’t need to win her over to my point of view.
When you radiate confidence, you aren’t dependent on other people’s approval or agreement. You can live and let live, and their disagreement isn’t a threat to your worth, your confidence, or your sense of self.
When you radiate confidence, you can welcome conflict when it occurs. Because it will occur. And when you approach it with sober judgment, conflict can build your confidence rather than tear it down.
