Act As If: How to Become More Confident

In my last blog post, I talked about how “fake it til you make it” is just about the worst advice on the planet if you’re trying to boost your confidence. Faking it erodes your character and destroys your confidence. A similar, though much better approach is to act as if.

If you want to be more confident, act as if you’re a confident person. How would such a person behave? What would they do? How would they talk to people?

A few years ago, I attended my first 3-day business conference by myself. My husband and I had been to a few seminars together, and it’s always easier to feel comfortable when you know at least one person. But this was my first event on my own.

Now, I’m an introvert. I’m not antisocial by any means, but being in large groups of people exhausts me. And meeting new people is not my forte. I pretty much hate being in a room full of strangers, especially if some people already know each other. It brings up old fears of not fitting in. Being the new girl in school.

What if no one talks to me? What if I have to sit by myself at lunch? What if, what if, WHAT IF?!?!

So I was faced with a decision. I could give into my fears and either bring a book to read or hide in the bathroom during breaks so I didn’t have to interact with people (look, I’m just keepin’ it real here); or sit by myself and bury my head in my phone – then feel like a loser for not talking to anyone.

OR, I could refuse to let my past control me. I could act as if I was confident and introduce myself to people.

So leaving my book at home and my phone in my purse, I asked myself, “What would a confident person do in this situation?” And I did it.

Instead of waiting for people to come up to me, I approached others. I introduced myself and asked about them and their business.

Was it uncomfortable? Heck yeah! Especially in the beginning. But you know what? It got easier. And I didn’t hide in the bathroom – not even once! (I did sneak off to a corner once or twice to recharge myself. Hey, I can be as confident as the day is long, but I’m still an introvert and still get my energy from being alone.)

And here’s the thing: at the end of the conference, a woman crossed the room to introduce herself to me. She said that she wanted to meet me because I’d been so outgoing the whole time. “You were always talking to someone,” she admired.

See, we get ourselves all worked up about how other people see us. The truth is, they don’t see us the way we see ourselves. Too often, we let our past paralyze us. We let our failures define our future success.

But other people don’t see your past, your fears, or your insecurities unless you choose to show them.

This woman didn’t see an introvert who had trouble making friends the first day at a new school. She saw a confident, outgoing person because I chose to act as if.

Act As If does NOT mean faking it.

Throughout that event, I never faked it. I never pretended to be someone I’m not.

I chose to act as if I was confident, and I became more confident.

Now I can walk into any room full of strangers and start conversations. It’s still not my favorite thing to do, and it’s still tiring. But I can do it. I boosted my competence level, and my self-esteem followed.

See, being more confident isn’t about “fake it til you make it.” It’s taking intentional steps to behave in a way that reflects the person you want to be.

So the next time you’re feeling insecure, ask yourself, “What would a confident person do in this situation?” Then do it. The more action you put behind your intentions, the more confident you’ll become.

Was there a time that you acted as if you were confident, and found yourself actually being more confident as a result? Let me know in the comments!