Many women I coach have been in at least one toxic relationship, but most of them didn’t recognize it at the time. They say, “But she really needed me,” or “I really loved him.” They always tried to “do the right thing” in the relationship, but it never felt like it was enough.

Whether it’s a colleague, family member, or “friend,” toxic relationships leave us feeling drained, exhausted, and empty.

So how do you recognize one? And how do you distinguish between “a friend in need” and a toxic friend? Here are 12 signs of a toxic relationship, adapted from this source.

The person is all take, and no give.
There’s a lack of trust – on both sides.
Your interactions with that person diminish your self-worth.
There is a hostile atmosphere when you’re together.
The other person expresses constant judgement and criticism – of you and others.
They are always the victim.
They lie habitually.
They try to control other people.
There is never-ending drama in their life, and they drag you into it.
They have hidden agendas.
You betray yourself for the sake of the relationship (for example, you change your standards or opinions to please them).
You feel like you can’t do anything right.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship vs. a Friend in Need

So how do you distinguish between a toxic friend and a friend who really needs some extra support? Mostly, it’s a matter of degree and duration.

A Friend in Need

A very dear friend of mine lost her twelve year old son recently. For a short time, the relationship could be characterized as “all take and no give.” Of course it was. She was lost and floundering, and desperately needed the support of her friends and family to anchor her and help her through this experience that no parent should ever have to face. But it was for a short time only. As she dealt with the grief, as she mourned in a healthy way, she eventually started to see the bigger world around her again. She was able to offer support to others, even when she still needed lots of support herself. (And when I say, “a short time,” I’m still talking about over a year.)

A Toxic Friend Indeed

On the other hand, I know a woman who’s constantly the victim in her own life. For the entire 20 years I’ve known her, she’s not once taken responsibility for any bad thing that’s happened to her. She never sees her part in any argument. People are out to get her. Everything happens to her. She’s never faced anything as devastating as losing a child. Just normal life stuff. But from listening to her, you’d think her entire life was one tragedy after another. Needless to say, she’s a pretty angry, miserable woman. And the people around her are miserable and angry, too.

Are all toxic relationships so black and white? Of course not. That’s why many women don’t recognize them. Most toxic people are somewhere in between, especially when it comes to abusive spouses. Sometimes, the relationship seems normal, and that’s one factor that prompts so many women to stay. (Why women stay in abusive marriages is a very complex topic that’s beyond the scope of this article.) They live for the “in between” times when things are good. They hope that “this time” will be the last time.

So now what?

Now that you know 12 signs of a toxic relationship, what do you do if you find that you’re in a relationship that’s not healthy?

Well, you may not like to hear this, but there’s generally no “fixing” a toxic relationship, since you can’t control the behavior or reactions of another person. And it’s not easy if the person is someone you have to see all the time, like a co-worker or spouse.

The best thing is to set clear and firm boundaries of what behaviors you will and will not tolerate, and limit your interactions with that person as much as possible. Will they be angry? Probably. Because you’re no longer playing their game. But remember that you are worth protecting. You can’t be so concerned about hurting their feelings that you lose yourself and sabotage your own life. Besides, you won’t really be able to please them, no matter what you do. So love yourself enough to protect yourself, and distance yourself as much as possible from that person. You are worth it.

Do you have any other signs of a toxic relationship you’d add to this list? Leave me a comment below.

And please share this post – it’ll certainly help someone you know.